I figured I should throw a disclaimer on here. Sorry if I offend anyone. Everything in these stories are true.
Okay so I don’t remember dates for these stories but everything to follow will be dated. These stories are from the first few months driving a cab.
Crazy drunk Lady
I got a call to a bar around last call. When I pulled up she was being held standing by two guys. They dropped her in the cab. Seconds after, she passed out. After trying to wake her up for fifteen minutes or so she finally told me an address and promptly passed back out. Great I have an address, but no city. So I took a shot in the dark as to her living in Tempe. Luckily, I was right. When I pulled up to the gated community with no gate code, I had to try and wake her up again. After her thinking I was 3 different people, none of them me, she finally gave me the code and again passed out. Fed up with trying to wake her up several times, I finally just dropped her on the curb. But, not without getting paid first. 
Fighting Couple
I got a call to a house roughly 11 p.m. I should of known when I pulled up and there was police cars outside, there was going to be fun. So, of course, they didn’t live anywhere close. About 5 minutes into the trip and them fighting about parents not liking one of them, for some reason he slapped her. I decided to pull over and kick him out on the side of the highway. Try telling a cab company you are at a mile marker on the interstate. I ended up taking her home for free.
Party like a champ
First of all I got to say, college is awesome. Here are a couple stories.
-I got a call to a condo about 3 a.m. When I pulled up there was a girl standing by the garage, under a balcony. Upon closer inspection she was soaking wet with beer, tears, and maybe urine. As she was standing there waiting for her friend to come out she was still getting pelted with beers from the party goers. So her friend comes running out, grabs her, throws her in the cab, and gives me an address. As we are going, her halfway sober friend is describing the night to me. God I wish I was there to see all this. First of all she drank a whole bottle of wine, out of the bottle. Classy. After lighting a cigarette, backwards, in a non smoking house, she did a couple keg stands in a skirt, apparently pantie less. Peed on some random guys lap while talking to him. Then proceeded to make out with a guy, who didn’t want to, in front of his girlfriend. Dropped her gum on the carpet, walked on it several times. By this point of her friend telling me the story, she has been swaying back and forth, finally decides to light a cigarette, again backwards. Then just passed out with it in her lips. Thanks for almost blowing up my cab.
-I got a call to a house about 1 a.m. The first girl comes out and tells me to wait her friends are coming. So she sits down and a couple more girls come out. They get in and leave the door open. 2 more girls come out and try to squeeze in. At this point we are at 6 people in the back seat. As I am trying to explain legalities and logistics to the already 6 girls in the back seat, 6 more come out and try to squeeze in. So as they are weighing down the cab and not fitting, I tell them to get out and as they did, I counted 15. We need all night buses in Tempe.
-I got a call to a house around 8 p.m. The guy comes out gets in tells me an address. I take him. Pretty uneventful. Here’s the catch. I didn’t give this guy my number or anything. About 9:45 p.m. I got another call to the same house. Same guy different shirt. He gives me a different address. About 12:15 a.m. Got a call. Same house. Different shirt. Different address. Either a gigolo or just a true champ at hitting every house party in Tempe.
Hot Foreign Chick
Ok short but, my first hot foreign chick story. I picked up this chick from an apartment and took her to a club in Scottsdale. There is nothing cooler than hearing the word “douchebag” with a foreign accent. As she tells me about how she doesn’t drink or smoke, and only goes to the club for the music, she tells me she is scared of the “douchebags” she hears about on the news, internet, and from friends. I suggest not going to Scottsdale. She wasn’t amused.
Free Beer
Just a quick shout out to the bouncer at Four Peaks. I took him home right before christmas time and he gave me a 64 ounce jug of the christmas ale.
Shots Fired
I got a call to an apartment complex in Tempe roughly about 11 p.m. As I pull into the parking lot there is a woman standing there, holding a gun. So Definitely didn’t stop. As I pulled past her and further into the parking lot, she started shooting random cars in the parking lot, so I peeled out of there quicker than Chris Botti is in bed.
Chick fights with her boyfriend
I picked up this chick at a bar and as we are driving, she is on the phone with her boyfriend, who apparently didn’t mean to kiss some other girl. I love it when drunk people can’t operate their phones. She hit speaker phone, as well as send, so I heard the whole conversation. An hour later, I got a call back to where I dropped her off and she was standing there with bags and a pillow. I guess the fight ended well.
January 21, 2010
The worst rain I have ever seen in Az. There was green lightning and tornadoes. The computer in the cab went down. Probably missed out on some good stories to pass along, but I do have a couple. A fellow driver and I played good samaritan to a chick who hit a curb in the rain. We changed her tire, she totally destroyed her rim. So after that in a cure for boredom, the guy at the gas station and my fellow driver had never seen the mentos and diet coke trick. They watched in amazement as it overflowed. Then the gas station employee’s amazement and amusement turned to grief as he had to clean it up. Maybe we should have done it outside.
Okay I got lazy.
Feb 2nd, 2010.
I picked up this random drunk chick. Her house had a slight slant to the driveway. On her way out she fell flat on her face and her dress was up around her waist. Great plan on her part to not wear panties. Oh and the kicker she said “just kidding” when she hit the ground.
Feb 3rd, 2010.
My boss, who I interact with everyday, didn’t realize I smoked. He didn’t realize like 5 people that interact with him daily, smoked. I am pretty sure I have talked to him with a lit cigarette in my hand.
Feb 4th, 2010.
Three words: Phillipino Tranny Hooker. Enough said.
Feb 9th, 2010.
There is this guy I see every couple days that chases invisible leaves down the street. It’s quite entertaining. He has a plastic bag to put them in.
Feb 10th 2010.
I am getting really tired of drunk, underage girls narrating themselves. “I fell down” “I lit the wrong end of my cigarette” “I’m bleeding” “I can’t stop crying”
Feb 17th 2010.
Crazy homeless guy that kinda looked like Norm McDonald, read a 2 minute script for a movie he wrote, to Drew and I. As he was reading kept getting ideas and insisted on writing them down.”oh let me write that down” Then proceeded to fart really loud for a whole minute. Then explained the Charlie Chaplin business etiquette to us. After explaining the start of United Artists, moved away to sing songs in front of the gas station at 4 in the morning.
Got really lazy…
July 14, 2010
Okay first before I start this story, I gotta tell you what happened from Feb. until now. I moved to Tempe in March. Been drinking like a fish and partying with friends. Okay you are all caught up.
Tonight, I picked up a frail, innocent looking young girl. She gave me cross streets of where she was headed. We get there and she tells me, “i don’t know the exact address. It’s my ex-boyfriend’s new house. We are looking for a red Jeep.” At this point I am a little cautious, but think nothing of it. After driving up and down every street in a 2 mile radius, we finally find his Jeep. Still feeling that something was just not right, I realize this chick must be bi-polar or something. She tells me to wait until he answers the door. She knocked once, then proceeded to kick at the door, seemingly to break it down. started trying to break to windows on the door and house. Oh, and the blood curdling screams like she was being raped/murdered(which brought several men from the surrounding area running to her aid.) After like literally 5 minutes of this, she decided to try other doors on the house. She disappeared from sight. I started to worry she wasn’t coming back to pay me, and I just wasted 40 minutes or so on this psychopath. So, I get out and go towards the back of the house looking for her. She wasn’t there. “DAMNIT!!” So my thoughts were right, she bailed. Or so I thought. I start to pull away and she is on the other side of the house at a different front door. Apparently this building was several condos. Anyway, she was sitting indian style, banging her head on the door, sobbing uncontrollably, with her purse emptied completely in front of her. So, she crawled over and paid.
In closing, I really think she should be locked away in a padded cell somewhere in Honduras. Don’t mix booze and psychotic brains.
P.S. She must have told me 40 times we were looking for a red Jeep and it was her ex-boyfriend’s house.
July 21, 2010
So you should realize that not every night is eventful at this point, but tonight was awesome!!
Where to begin besides saying karma is a bitch that I love dearly. I picked up some arrogant French bastard. You know the kind that hate America but choose to be here. Anyway, he and several other annoying foreigners get in and demand I take them somewhere there will be women. So in Tempe already, I decide to take them to Mill ave. Passing several clubs that were closed decided to turn around and go back up the street. In doing so, we pulled into the parking lot and witness a cop on a bike get backed into by a car. AWESOME, Right? Then, got these foreign bastards to where they were going. The meter read “6.85″ the French asshole gives me what he thinks, and appears to me to be, 7 dollars and spouts, “keep the change.” It’s dark in the cab so we didn’t notice the bottom “1 dollar” bill was actually a hundred. AWESOMER!! Ready for the icing? I go to a gas station that I frequent at night. There was a young couple sitting outside. Maybe tweakers, who knows. They ask me to give them a ride down the block to their apartment. I do. After that, I continue my night and think nothing of it. I go back to get gas from the same gas station. My friend who works there asked me “hey, so you don’t have a girlfriend, right?” I agreed. He hands me a note.
Verbatim:
Circle K guy
so please dont tell my boyfriend, well he aint even really my man anymore, I broke up with him and he wont leave. But anywho, your cab driver friend that gave us a ride earlier, let him know I think he’s really fucking sexy, and I think me & him should kick it sometime. ok, I dont get my phone until next week , so please tell him he can reach me “brandie” at 480 5555555 And try to get his number please. Thanx
Brandie
Needless to say, (so why am I saying it) I just giggled all the way home from work.
Got lazy……..Again
Dec 15th 2010
Since July it hasn’t been just my laziness. I made the mistake of trying to date. That wasted a good 2 months. My brother was also in town for most of that. So the past three months I have been a little busy.
I am not sure the dates of anything here.
I picked up a girl that was drunk as hell and had the hiccups pretty bad. Her friend was telling her to hold her breath and all the cliche tricks. I decided I would try my hand at scaring her. Maybe scarring her. I said loudly, “Let’s not turn this rape into a murder.” Her friend yelled at me to pull over and let them out. I locked the doors and sped up a little. Cured the hiccups definitely. They might not ever ride in a cab again though.
Again drunk girls and my rape humor…So I carry a backpack to work. It sits on my passenger seat. No one ever really asks about it until one night. The story is boring up to the point where the girl asked what my backpack is for and I told her it’s a rape kit. Again they asked to get out. But, this time I pulled over immediately.
Other than these two times since July, everything else has been pretty boring. Hopefully for entertainment’s sake I will remember about this page and write a little more frequently.
Okay… Forgot about trying to log every story every day…
July 17 2011
Since last December nothing too exciting has happened in the cab. Today is the first time something happened worth mentioning. I dropped Jason Devore at the airport. We talked a bit, mostly music. This song came on…
and he was like “Oh God not these assholes.”
So, since December things have happened I just don’t remember dates and stuff. I will eventually post some more stories here in the next week or so… I have been busy trying to keep my life afloat and get a good open mic fan base. so here is random story number one from the last six months…
I got a call to pick up a guy in a crap apartment in the middle of Mesa, I go get this guy and his pregnant girlfriend. They tell me an address that is on the other side of Phoenix, I failed to ask if they had the money on them and since this incident I always ask for a deposit. Anyway, I get them to the destination and the guy says he has to run up to the apartment to get it. I turn off the car and say “okay, let’s go” at this point it was really obvious to me that he was going to try and stiff me. So I walk around to his side of the car, and as he opened the door towards me tried to punch me, and if you know anything about physics its kinda hard to punch up as you are standing up. So I punched downward at the same time and knocked him on his ass. He got up and ran, leaving his pregnant girlfriend sitting in the backseat. So, I called the cops. When the cops arrived they arrested preggers and interviewed me on what happened. So I told them I really only called them because if he called in and said I tried to knock him out or whatever they would have my side of the story first. It kinda sucks I lost money on that call but, it gives you guys something to read, right?
More to come soon…
July 18 2011
I picked up this chick at an apartment in Tempe and she got in with several bags. Mumbled at me what at first sounded like “vodka” then it sounded like “black guy”. After several attempts she finally said slowly and loudly “Buckeye”. “O.k. Buckeye and what?” She said “No, Buckeye.” I thought, “holy crap where the hell is that?” If you don’t know Buckeye is about 40 miles outside of the center of Phoenix. Head west on the I 10 until you pass like 110th ave and keep going. At Miller head south for 10 or 15 miles and boom there you are. That was the longest and quietest cab ride I have ever been the driver for. For those of you wondering how much a trip that far is, a little over $140.00
July 19th, 2011
So last night and tonight have been super slow, but it is giving me time to recollect the past several months to tell you guys about. The only thing to happen tonight was a tweaker group hug as one of them folded up his bike to put it in my cab, to only go 1/4 of a mile if that.
Okay so, let’s see… I had a chick try to pay me more than once. after she gave me like 40 bucks for a ten dollar trip in the first place. It happens often that with a group of people they all try to pay and then one will always pay a second time. I am usually honest unless they are total douchebags. On that note, I am honest with phones but I would say 80 percent of drivers will keep your phone. You leave it in my cab, I go through it, and then turn it in. Also, I am very disappointed in the people that get so drunk they lose their phone. Disappointed in the fact you never have any good pics and/or mp3s.
So, I got a new job and might stop driving all together. With my new job there will be stories but I cant tell them, which sucks.
September 2011
So, the new job is taking up alot of my time, but I still drive the cab on the weekends. Saying that I have decided to just post about the whole month at once, when I remember to do it. Sorry, nothing exciting happened in August. September though has been nucking futs. I am very entertained by the college party themes this year. So far I have seen Corporate life/Trophy wife, Hawaiian/Jungle, Hall of Fame/Walk of Shame, and what appeared to be pirate hookers.
In the past year or so of driving I have seen several fights at the Mcdonald’s. I just witnessed another one. Guy got knocked out in one punch. Who knows what it was over.
I had a drunk guy last week who was so blitzed he couldn’t tell me where he was going. He said, ” you don’t know where to go?” I said,”you don’t know where to go.” After him mumbling several thing incoherently, I kicked him out of the car. He left the door open as he stumbled into the median. I yelled, ” just walk it off and call us back in a bit.” He must have taken offense to that. As I drove away he threw a rock through my window. I just kept driving from the adrenaline, I guess. Lucky for me I saw flashing lights not more than a quarter mile down. I pulled over to the 3 Bicycle cops and informed them the guy standing in the middle of the road just tried to attack me. They pedaled over and tackled him. Win.
Hopefully the several people I have talked to about this page have checked it out. Shout out to the 3 girls whose names end in Y.
